I fear that many Christian couples treat the Bible’s teachings about headship (Ephesians 5:23, 1 Corinthians 11:3) and submission (Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1) like political slogans. They’re either for or against them. But beyond the slogans are the particulars of how these commands are actually worked out in the day-to-day realities of marriage.
Does leadership just mean putting your foot down and getting your own way? Does submission just mean bracing for impact when you’re convinced your husband has made another foolish decision? The Bible doesn’t spell out all the particulars, but it gives enough information to develop some principles for healthy interaction.
Biblical headship emphasizes a husband’s responsibility and sacrifice
The Bible doesn’t spell out which spouse should track the family spending or manage the family calendar. It does, however, make clear who will be held primarily responsible for the family’s moral and spiritual well-being.
While Eve is first to take the fruit (Genesis 3:6), Adam is the first person confronted by God (Genesis 3:9), and Scripture identifies Adam’s sin as the entry point of sin into the world. Romans 5:12, for instance, says, “sin came into the world through one man,” and 1 Corinthians 15:22 teaches that “In Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive.”
It’s because husbands hold a position of unique responsibility before God that they need to both seek the spiritual maturity of their family (Ephesians 5:26-27) and make some of the hard decisions to protect it.
On the other hand, it would be unusual for a husband to regularly overrule his wife’s instincts or opinions. Husbands and wives are created equally in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and jointly tasked with the mission to rule the earth (Genesis 1:26), so you would expect much of the decision-making process to be shared and harmonious. And husbands are called to sacrifice (Ephesians 5:25) for their wives’ needs (Ephesians 5:26-28), so it would be common for husbands to defer to their wives in questions of convenience or preference. In fact, 1 Peter 3:7 warns that a husband’s prayers will be blocked if they don’t take time to understand their wives and recognize their shared calling.
The bottom line is that headship will occasionally require a husband to make a unilateral decision in order to protect his family, but it should be the exception, not the rule.
What about wives, though?
Biblical submission emphasizes a wife’s willing cooperation and support
Princess Diana made headlines in her 1981 wedding to the now King Charles because she removed the word “obey” from the standard Anglican vows for wives. She was right to do so, though, because the Bible uses a different word. While children are commanded to “obey” (Ephesians 6:1), wives are called to “submit” (Ephesians 5:22). The distinction is important.
Obedience is more like doing what you’re told, but submission is about recognizing and supporting a person in their role. It involves following someone’s lead, but it will include cautions and thoughtful disagreement. Like a vice-president to the president, submission requires a united front, but it should also include an honest exchange of perspectives, particularly related to the Scriptures to which we are all ultimately accountable.
There may be times when a wife needs to imitate Jesus’ submission when He said to the Father, “Not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). But if she finds herself chronically having to set aside her wisdom, concerns, or preferences in order to keep the peace, it may be a sign that something is wrong in the marriage.
May God help husbands lead more like Jesus and wives follow more like Him.
In awe of Him,
Paul
