Every culture has ideas about what makes a good marriage. Books, podcasts, and friends all offer competing advice. In the middle of all those voices, the Bible’s teaching can seem strange and even offensive. The problem may be that we’re reading it backwards. One of the biggest mistakes Christians make is reading God’s commands for marriage without first remembering what Christ has done for them.
Reframe submission in light of Jesus’ example
When people just start with what the Bible says to do, they stumble over the Bible’s teachings on marriage because it calls wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives. Neither of these commands seems helpful because submission is viewed as an inferior’s subservience, and the call to love sounds like mere affection. Read that way, it feels lopsided and unfair. If this were what the Bible teaches, it could rightly be criticized.
However, if we start with the call to a wife’s submission, we see, first of all, that it’s set in the context of a wholly positive view of submission. In fact, before wives are urged to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22), there is a more general call for all believers to submit to one another “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). So, the idea is that submission is a positive, even attractive, quality in relationships, and it is motivated by a love for who Jesus is and what He has done.
But how can submission be viewed so positively? Isn’t it a mark of inequality and domination? This is where the gospel changes everything.
As we ask what Jesus has done that might give grace and help in understanding and applying this concept, Paul’s words in Philippians 2:8 offer a clue: “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” In His incarnation, Jesus willingly submitted to the Father’s will and went to the cross to save us. We’re reminded of Jesus’ prayer in the garden, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”
There is equality, harmony, and loving perfection in the Godhead, and yet Jesus gladly submits to the Father and so secures the salvation of the world. Christians owe everything to the eager submission of Jesus to the Father, and so we’re not surprised to see God calling for submission in marriage. His submission motivates our own.
None of this excuses abuse, domination or passivity. Rather, the amazing blessings that flowed to us from Jesus’ submission give us hope for what God might accomplish as we imitate His humility.
Redefine love in light of Jesus’ sacrifice
The gospel framework that defines the command for husbands to love their wives is even more explicit. In Ephesians 5:25, after calling husbands to love their wives, Paul immediately describes how Jesus loved the church. In so doing, it removes the word love from the realm of mere sentimentalism or romanticism.
Before husbands think about how they are to love their wives, they are first called to reflect on how Jesus loved them. Jesus demonstrated His love most clearly not merely through affection or words, but in sacrificing His life for the church. He paid the ultimate price and died for us, even in the face of rejection, betrayal and sin.
A husband is called to profound sacrifice, meeting his wife’s needs as he would his own (Ephesians 5:29) and showing loyalty to her above all other human relationships (Ephesians 5:31). He’s commanded to understand his wife and show honour and sensitivity towards her (1 Peter 3:7). This kind of love doesn’t come naturally to most men! But it is born in the gospel as Christ’s sacrificial love is believed, received, and reflected in the marriage.
We need hearts shaped by the gospel
Our marriages may need many things, but more fundamentally they need more Jesus—they need more gospel. Better communication helps. Better habits help. Better conflict resolution helps. But beneath all of those things lies a deeper need: we need hearts that are shaped by the gospel.
What are some of the issues you face in your marriage? What are some of the biblical teachings that you struggle with? What would it mean to see them through the lens of the gospel? How could what Jesus has done for you give you the strength to do what He would want you to do for your spouse?
We bring Jesus into our marriage not just by asking Him to do things to change it, but by finding power to face it by gratefully reflecting on all that He’s done for us in the gospel. Healthy marriages aren’t built merely by trying harder; they’re built by husbands and wives who keep returning to the cross.
In awe of Him,
Paul
