I recently heard a woman share the story of her journey through grief and the slow healing that she’s experienced. It was one of those times when I wanted to be quiet and make sure I had taken it all in. We tend to live in denial of death until it hits close to home, and that leaves us unprepared for the grief we experience. Hearing some of the steps that a mature person had taken in their grief gave me hope and some principles that I wanted to hold onto. Let me share what I learned.

The circumstances of each person’s grief are unique. In this case, the woman had lost her husband after 44 years of marriage. A 16-year battle with Hepatitis C ended in its cure. Unfortunately, he was left feeling worse, not better. A series of tests revealed that while Hepatitis C had indeed been eradicated from his body, he had developed a fast-growing and untreatable cancer in his liver. He died the following year.

She was unprepared for what came next. As the funeral ended and people returned to their lives, she was left to cope with the unimaginable loss. Some days, she barely managed to function. “Meals” of tea and toast were common. As she shared, “The fog was intense; I wondered if I’d ever think straight again.” She struggled with the first holidays and family celebrations that she attended without her husband. She struggled with learning to organize her home and work life as a single person. And she struggled with the intense emotions that seemed to hijack so much of her thinking. There were a number of steps that helped, however.

1. Reflecting on Scripture

The simple act of taking the verses that people shared and others she looked up and repeating them to herself while she walked, drove, or did chores around the house helped her. Even if it was just for a few moments, it focused her thoughts on God and the hope that He offered. God’s promise in Isaiah 46:4 that “even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you” was a start. Psalm 57:1 became a prayer: “in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.” Even David’s prayer in Psalm 13:1 reminded her that she wasn’t the only one who had felt like this: “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”

2. Gathering with others for support

When you’re struggling to get through your day, adding a meeting to your schedule feels like the last thing you want to do. But the advice and encouragement she received through a support group called GriefShare was a major help. She learned that what she was experiencing was normal. She was encouraged to “just do the next thing.” And she learned that there were some practical steps she could take to move in a healthy direction. Goals like accepting that your loved one was gone, establishing a new normal, seeing grief as an experience not an identity, and setting a new purpose provided a path for her healing

3. Learning to trust God again

One of the challenges many people face is the struggle to see God in their grief. One of the things that helped her was an analogy that someone shared comparing grief to sitting downstairs with the blinds closed on a sunny day. Just because you can’t see the sun while you’re in the basement doesn’t mean that it’s stopped shining. Verses like Isaiah 55:8 were a help: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

4. Resolving to not become stuck in grief

Hearing that time doesn’t heal all wounds and that work is required to move forward through the journey of grief helped clarify her resolve. She made a deliberate decision to believe that God had a good plan. He hadn’t made a mistake, and so she could trust in His purposes and move forward believing that He would be with her at each step of her journey.

5. Being willing to comfort others

The final step of God’s healing in her grief journey was being willing to help others. She was beginning to fill her schedule up again, serving her family and volunteering in the church. But then she was asked to lead the GriefShare program and walk others through the journey that she had taken. It felt like too big of an ask, but 2 Corinthians 1:4 encouraged her. It says, God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” God’s work in her life was not just for her. She would now become a channel of healing and comfort for others.

While every person’s experience of grief is unique and the process of healing is seldom neat or straightforward, I felt the steps that I had heard that day were ones I wanted to hold onto and seek God for the strength to take when my turn eventually comes.

May God minister His comfort in your life.

In awe of Him,

Paul