You can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. Sometimes, even our closest relationships leave us feeling unseen or misunderstood. The Bible helps us understand why that kind of closeness can be so difficult to find and shows us what we can do to build it.
1. God designed us for intimacy, but sin pushes us apart
In the opening pages of the Bible, God repeatedly reflects on His creation and declares it good. It’s a surprise, then, in Genesis 2:18, when God says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Adam was perfect and yet incomplete. In his isolation, he was starved of the human relationships he would need to thrive
When God created Eve, Adam could now relate to someone at his own level. Eve was a true partner who could share in his life and mission. Genesis 2:24 draws implications from their union, saying, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Just as the members of the Trinity share oneness with each other, humanity could now enter into a similar oneness.
That oneness is further described in the next verse with the words, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). No fear, no masks, no hiding. They could be together in transparent security. This is the goal of emotional intimacy we were created to enjoy.
That bliss is only broken when Adam and Eve turn their backs on God in sin and not only hide from His gaze, but from each other’s as well. They famously sew fig leaves to cover themselves. They no longer feel safe being themselves with one another. Guilt, blame, fear, and shame push two people apart who were created to be together.
While God works to deal with the guilt and shame that drove humanity apart, the Bible describes things we can do to rebuild what sin destroyed.
2. Intimacy grows when people feel seen and valued
If intimacy was lost in the garden as people built walls to hide behind and cover their sin, it is restored as we learn to see each other and build each other up, rather than tearing each other down.
In marriage, for example, husbands are called to “love their wives as their own bodies,” nourishing and caring for their partner’s needs as their own (Ephesians 5:28-29). They’re to sacrifice their own needs to care for their spouse (Ephesians 5:25). Seeing people’s needs and meeting them like this overcomes our tendencies to retreat in isolation and shows that we can be seen and still loved.
The principle at work in marriage is true for other relationships also. Paul said, for instance, “For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (Romans 1:11-12). Though he hadn’t met the people in the church at Rome, he saw the mutual meeting of needs as the starting point for a healthy relationship.
Similarly, when he counsels the church in Ephesus on how to speak, he says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). People carry within them fear, shame, and insecurity that tempt them to hide. When we use words to build them up and “give grace,” it creates the safety they need to draw near.
Do you notice when people are anxious, sad, or afraid?
Do you offer comfort for people’s hurts?
Do you sacrifice yourself for others?
Do your words build up and bring hope?
3. Grace helps imperfect people keep drawing near
The sad reality of betrayal and sin in the garden has been repeated in every relationship in every culture and at every time. If we’re going to be surprised by people’s sin, closeness is a fragile bond waiting to be shattered.
Jesus’ forgiveness toward us is presented in Scripture as the foundation and motivation for us to show grace toward others. Colossians 3:12-13, for instance, urges compassion and patience, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Notice the two aspects of grace that we’re called to. Not only are we to forgive sins when they are brought into the open, but we are called to bear with one another. That means we recognize one another as sinners and engage anyway with an understanding that there are sins in the other person that we will have to put up with, even as there are sins of ours that the other will inevitably bear.
This also impacts how we speak with each other. James 1:19 famously says, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” We build intimacy with fellow sinners when we give the benefit of the doubt, avoid pouncing on each other’s faults, and have the compassion to show grace rather than frustration.
Do you carry the weight of other people’s faults, or do you feel the need to always point them out?
Do you forgive easily, or do you regularly bring up people’s sins?
Are you easily irritated, or are you slow to anger?
4. Gentle honesty deepens intimacy
If the fig leaves in the garden were the first step away from intimacy, the way back needs to involve peeling away the masks that we wear. We long to feel close to others and deepening levels of honesty lead us there. Of course, brutal honesty damages intimacy just as much as dishonesty does.
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” James goes as far as to say, “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). This kind of honesty is only possible with people whose words and actions make us feel safe, but it’s the goal of a healthy relationship.
Do you share your feelings, fears, and hopes with others?
Do you make it safe for others to open up with you?
Are you aware of the ways that you mask the real you?
Are you growing in honesty and vulnerability?
Perfect intimacy won’t be perfect until we’re finally free from sin. But we can grow in intimacy by sacrificing to meet people’s needs, showing grace toward people’s faults, and growing in honest vulnerability. In all these, Jesus went before us, sacrificing to bring us life, dying for our sins, and always speaking the truth in love. May He give us the grace to follow Him there.
In awe of Him,
Paul
