People enter marriage because they love each other. But if they don’t learn how to navigate their differences and handle conflicts well, they end up tearing down the very person they committed their lives to. And because marriage is so intimate, words said in anger and conflicts that turn ugly hurt more than in any other relationship. If your conflicts don’t get resolved, there may be one or more of these three problems getting in the way.
1. You don’t deal with your anger before you start talking
A conflict usually begins because someone’s hurt. Many people have learned that the only way to deal with their hurt is to unleash their anger. The reality is that you can either let your anger take over or you can work toward solving the problem—you can’t do both. James 1:19-20 warns, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” It’s saying that anger won’t accomplish what you want it to.
Dealing with your anger before you have the conversation means more than just not yelling (although it surely includes that). When someone’s anger is out of control, the tone is escalated even when the volume isn’t. Instead of dealing with one incident, you deal with everything that annoys you about your spouse. Instead of dealing with your partner’s behaviour, you question their motives or their character. Your words are designed to hurt instead of to understand or to resolve.
So what should you do instead?
Cool down before you deal with a heated topic.
Speak slowly and choose your words carefully.
Deal with one incident at a time.
Don’t use words like “always” or “never.”
Focus on how the behaviour affected you.
Don’t make assumptions about what the other person was thinking.
2. You speak when you should listen and walk away when you should speak
Couples that have learned to navigate conflict well can share their feelings during a disagreement and feel that their spouse has heard and understood them. Poor listening in times of conflict may reflect a problem with listening in the relationship overall. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Often one partner will feel as if the other doesn’t take their disagreements seriously. That inevitably feels as though they don’t take their partner or their relationship seriously. Your ability to listen well and let your spouse express what’s on their heart can determine whether a disagreement will draw you closer together or push you further apart.
On the other hand, shutting down and walking away when it’s your time to speak can be as destructive as not listening to your partner. While you may need time to cool down before you speak, refusing to say anything because you don’t want to hurt your partner undermines your marriage. Often people who have seen the danger of conflict growing up have learned to fear it. They give in to end the argument, but the tension remains, and the relationship suffers. Caring for someone involves doing the hard work of addressing the tensions that affect you both.
3. Your apologies always have a “but”
Apologizing well is a key ingredient in conflict resolution, but done poorly, an apology can do more harm than good. Sometimes, a person apologizes but then explains how their actions were justified. Other times, they say sorry, but then point to what the other person did to cause their behaviour. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you made me angry” doesn’t resolve anything. Neither does apologizing to get the other person to apologize. All of these fall short and feel manipulative or disingenuous.
When there’s a disagreement, try to listen well enough to your partner that you can see and take ownership of your part in the incident. Show that you see what you did wrong and acknowledge the hurt that you caused and apologize—then stop talking. Qualifying an apology often ruins the apology.
If you find that you’re the only one who ever apologizes in the relationship, rather than withholding your apology, work harder at the discussion. Did you let your anger escalate the disagreement? Did you fully explain how you were hurt? Did you identify what your partner did that contributed to what happened? Did you hear their explanation? Did you clarify where there still appeared to be misunderstanding?
Not every disagreement will resolve as neatly as we’d like, but as you work on these areas, your conflicts should result in greater understanding, compassion, and closeness. And in all of this, we have an example in Jesus. As Colossians 3:13 says, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
In awe of Him,
Paul
