Many people are naturally encouraging with their friends. And they’re polite and uplifting to clerks, servers, and strangers. But often the filter comes off when they walk through their front door, and their spouse gets the worst of their words. Couples may think that their biggest problem is that thing they can’t agree on, but often it’s the way they speak with one another that can do the most damage. The Bible helps us rethink how we communicate with our partner.
1. Choose your words instead of unleashing them
The starting point for improving marital communication is self-control. The Bible is clear that no good can come from just blurting out whatever pops into our heads. Being married doesn’t give you permission to abandon caution in your words.
Proverbs 10:19, for example, says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” God doesn’t want us to be muzzled or silent, but thinking about how we speak and the words we choose is important.
David recognized he needed God’s help to hold his tongue, so he prayed, “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” (Psalm 141:3) and in Psalm 19:14, he asks, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”
A lot of damage can be avoided by just pausing before speaking. Excess words often lead to escalation. Ask yourself, Do I need to say this? Do I need to say it now? Is there a better way to say it? Have you let criticism, complaining, or sarcasm undermine the love that you’re trying to build in your home?
2. Use words that heal where your spouse is most vulnerable
Choosing your words isn’t just about talking less or saying difficult things more pleasantly. Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Marriage is the union of two broken people in need of healing. Our words should regularly seek to minister to the places where our spouse is hurting.
Where are your partner’s insecurities? Where do they most need reassurance? When do they most appreciate prayer? In marriage, you have a clearer view than anyone of your spouse’s vulnerabilities. You know where your words can cause the most hurt but also where they can give the most help. Words like, “I really respect how hard you’re trying,” “I’m proud of what you’ve done,” or “I’m grateful God brought you into my life” minister to your spouse and strengthen your marriage.
3. Use words of grace to build up your partner
While there are probably specific areas where your spouse needs the healing power of your words, the Bible urges that grace fill all of our conversations. Consider Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
The verse is saying that our words should “give grace” every time. We should only aim to “build up.” At the very least, that means speaking with kindness and courtesy. But praise for our spouse should go beyond what we would give to the barista who made our morning coffee. For example:
“I appreciate how patient you were with the kids this morning.”
“Thank you for cheering me up like that.”
“I really respect how hard you work.”
Changing our words is never as easy as just practicing new techniques. Jesus said that “out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). What He was saying was that our words are ultimately a reflection of the condition of our hearts. If we’re going to speak differently, we need to think differently, and for that we need the grace that only God can give. Receive God’s words of grace through the Scriptures even as you seek to express words of grace to your spouse. And ask God to help you recognize where your words have been causing damage and where they could begin to build up.
In awe of Him,
Paul
